White Rob | Red State

I had this long drawn-out intro to this post, but it pretty much blew (though this isn't any better), and it was preventing me from just coming out and saying what needs to be said. So here it is: San Antonio, without any qualifications and in no uncertain terms, completely sucks ass. Boom. There it is.

This city’s redeeming qualities can be summarized as follows:

• it’s cheap as hell
• it’s only 85 miles to Austin
• it’s not Houston

That’s it. That’s what San Antonio has going for it. That is the complete list. I didn’t leave anything out. If “at least we’re not Houston” is one of a city’s top three redeeming qualities, what’s the point? Why does this city exist? What’s its purpose? At least Houston has a port. At least they’re contributing something to the country’s greater good, you know? Helping commerce by speeding the flow of goods. What are you doing, San Antonio? Why are you here? Moocher.

And why the hell does anyone live in San Antonio? Did you know 1.2 million people live here? It’s true. More, actually. It’s the 7th most-populous city in the U.S. Yeah. Crazy, right? You’re like, “What? No!! That can’t be! You’re telling me it’s larger than [insert name of city in which a normal person might actually choose to live]?” Yes!! There are more people in San Antonio than in that city you just mentioned. (Unless you said NYC, Philly, Chicago, Los Angeles, Phoenix, or Houston. Those are the only U.S. cities with more residents than San Antone. You didn’t mention one of those, did you? That would kinda derail the whole rant I’m on.)

Screw it, I'm derailed. I was going to list a ton of reasons why San Antonio blows, but it was gonna be stupid and lame. And I figure you don’t wanna read too much about some candy-assed Bay Area yuppie’s whiny little foo-foo problems. So I axed it. This way, we can remain friends. I did it for us. I love you.

Labels: I don't care about Eva and Tony so just shut the hell up already